I'm in The Basement

[jesse]

So life is kinda crazy right now. I really want to strangle my best friend because she's absolutely retarded. She keeps giving this boy more and more chances. He's fucked up absolutely and irredeemably, and yet she wants to give him one more chance. My two biggest fears right now are that he'll do it again, she'll make an excuse and stay with him, in which case I am fucking done with her. I will end our friendship over that. No question about it.

My other fear is that he won't. And they'll be together. It's really hard admitting that, because I will always hate him. I want this to fail. I didn't always. I wanted her to be happy for a moment, and if this is what it took, I wanted it. But now I want it to end. I want her to hurt and I want her to see.

I hate being the guy that she runs to when she needs emotional support. I hate being a fucking cuddle bitch. And yet I'll never change. I won't have what I want, because I'm too nice. I don't know how to be an asshole, and I would hate myself if I changed to be one.

I HATE BEING NICE. FUCK MY LIFE.

[jesse]

So today I really hurt somebody. I did so with full knowledge of what I was doing, and without caring that I did so. This person is somebody who loves me and supports me no matter what. And I hurt them just because I could. Part of this is being unable to think of much beyond a particular relationship problem. She took a part of me with her, and I'm really not myself. I fear that I'm turning into a monster in her absence.

Moreover, I fear that I secretly always was.

[jesse]

So I was talking to somebody I hurt badly and listening to myself as I talked to them. I am becoming the person I've always hated. I've always known that it's much easier to get what you want if you're a cunt, but I've always worked hard to be nice and make people happy, because I like when people are happy. But at some point tonight I snapped and realized that I don't want to be that stepping stone. I don't want to be that person that loves and supports people while they chase after other people. I'm tired of giving and giving and giving. For just this once I want to take. I want to get what I want, and I don't want to care about who gets hurt. If I have to leave destruction in my wake, I'll do it.

This is what happens when your rock has had enough.

[jesse]

So I realized today that I don't actually like the girl that I've been mental over for the last month. Like, I literally don't like her as a person. I've been her friend for four years, and just don't actually like her. I think she's a bad person, and to be honest I've thought it for a while. I just never thought about it that much.

I asked myself why I'm still her friend, and I realized exactly why.

I don't want to lose her as a follower on my Tumblr.

[jesse]

So, I've been thinking more about things, I almost feel bad about what I've said. Things have been complicated, and she needs me in her life. And I do care. I want to be her friend, because she needs a friend.

In the end, as much as I hate her, I really do love her.

[jesse]

I'll always be see-sawing on this issue, but at the moment I've unfollowed her on twitter and tumblr, as well as removed her from my friends list on facebook and deleted her contact information from MSN and AIM. Some part of me feels bad for taking the steps to cut her out of my life, but I don't actually like her, and I'm really just sticking this out on the basis of fond memories and a sense of obligation. I know that I need out, and I hate knowing that. Maybe it's just my inner masochist, but I always just want things to work out.

I kinda fail at this whole thing, but I'm going to try one more time to get free. Maybe I'll finally make it.

[jesse]

I most certainly do not want to talk to her. I don't know where you get your outlandish ideas.

[jesse]

The only thing worse than spam is spam in Greek. GTFO off my board.